Saying what goes unsaid

I’ve stopped writing because I can’t stand the sound of my voice, hate everything I say, and hate myself for saying it. I’m finding it hard to want to talk, and whenever I do I spend a lot of time afterwards regretting that I let any of this nastiness out where other people have to hear it. I’m finding it especially hard to work as a professor because so much of this job is conveying (convincingly) to students that what you have to say is interesting and valuable.

I tried not to let this happen. I’ve been through several medication changes in the last month, trying to stop it. So far that has only made things worse because one or more of these medication changes has been keeping me from sleeping.

I’m afraid that I’d lose my job if anyone knew how close to the edge I’ve felt a lot of the time. I also can’t (convincingly) argue that I wouldn’t deserve to lose my job, but I’m not even going to let my thoughts go down that path right now. My only option is to keep trying to pretend that everything is normal and that I’ve got it all under control.

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