Finally the shades are raised

Over the last several weeks I’ve been trying to finish an essay that is expected to be published in the near future, about my decision to stop talking to my father. Working on this essay made my recurring nightmares about him much more frequent and intense, so I hope it will be worth it.

At the risk of stating the obvious: Pearl Jam songs have been one of my main sources of comfort for over 20 years. I was first drawn in by how much I could relate to the heartbreak expressed in “Black,” a staple of the radio station I listened to in the early 90’s. But when I first saw the band perform on Saturday Night Live in 1994, they did a pair of songs about childhood abuse that took my breath away  – and I still can’t watch that performance of “Rearviewmirror” without getting chills.

Verbal/emotional abuse and neglect were a routine part of my upbringing – but there was never any physical or sexual violence, and with my parents’ encouragement my sister and I were very well-behaved, high-achieving kids. I never felt like I had the right to my real story and these songs helped clarify it for me in a way that nothing ever had before: my father’s cruelty to me had hurt me irreparably, and the futility of continuing to trying to please him was still hurting me. Though it took me another 20 years to say it, eventually I did tell my father: Don’t call me.

“Daughter” tells of a young girl striving to be worthy of her parent’s admiration. But behind the clean pretty façade of this family life, there’s something wrong. The lyrics can’t seem to decide whether it is the parent or the daughter who is unworthy (“unfit”) to claim their relationship with the other, and the daughter is apparently trapped by this same confusion, as she holds the hand that holds her down. As the song ends, the shades go down, both hiding her suffering and leaving her in darkness.

“Rearviewmirror” describes someone who left an abuser behind, and saw things clearer as a result. “I gather speed from you fucking with me… Once and for all I’m far away… hardly believe, finally the shades are RAISED.”

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