Just noticing

Over the last several weeks I’ve had a return of feelings of dread, self-doubt, and wanting to be asleep all the time. Looking at the work I had gotten done over the summer (i.e., my professional research and writing) I started to think that maybe it was all just crap, and what I had thought were feasible steps to move ahead with it didn’t look feasible anymore. It has felt an awful lot like the morning after a party where you drank too much, when you can barely remember why you would have said or did those things for which you now feel sick with regret and shame in sober daylight.

I scheduled an additional ketamine treatment to see if that might help turn things around. But I’m realizing it will also be important for me to work on coping with the way I often feel about myself, because even if each treatment reduces these feelings temporarily, they keep coming back. And after decades of depression, the “normal” negative feelings that accompany ordinary life stress are somewhat new for me, so I may need practice coping with those too — without assuming they are necessarily the more familiar signs of an oncoming depressive episode.

I will resist making any judgments about whether or not my summer work was really crap, and resist trying to guess whether this change in my thoughts/feelings may be the start of more difficult times ahead. Whatever this is, it just is what it is. Notice it that it is here and keep breathing.

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